Campus fountains don’t need fences

What is Purdue thinking? A water fountain is as treacherous as an active minefield. I’m surprised no one has ever been maimed or killed by these deadly water weapons.

The barriers soon to be erected will not keep people safe. People can scale the fences with rope or burrow tunnels beneath them.

No, to be kept away from this certain death we need barbed wire, lookout towers, guard dogs, a sniper in the bell tower and a moat full of hungry football players swimming around. Only then can we feel safe from the harmful temptations of our fountains.

Seriously, President Jischke and Vice President Burns, with all due respect, what the hell are you thinking?

Putting a fence around the two most beautiful parts of campus is one of the most asinine things I’ve ever heard. It’s like taking the Mona Lisa and putting a $6 plastic frame around it. You just don’t do that.

Administrators claim that the fences will blend in with the fountains.

Will you please cut the crap. Does Pontiac’s new sport utility, the Aztek, blend in with other vehicles on the road? Hell no; it looks horrible. And so will the fences.

Can you think of a single fountain you’ve ever seen with a fence around it?

Sure, maybe if prisons had water fountains, they’d have fences. But this isn’t prison. And Jischke and Burns, you are not Purdue’s wardens.

What will our visitors think?

"Mom, why is there a fence around that fountain?"

"I don’t know, Johnny. That’s pretty shady though. I think we should go check out IU."

Does a convenience store with bars in the windows look appealing? No! So what perception is a fountain with the exact same going to give?

Since the fountains are wide open, we have been able to fully enjoy them. The first evening I ever spent at Purdue included a fountain run. I can’t think of a better way to feel welcomed here. I feel sorrow for future students who won’t be able to enjoy the same.

The main reason for the fences is to solve the liability problem. Thomas Schmenk, director of construction, said they are concerned with the safety of younger children.

That’s funny; since when did Purdue become a daycare?

Where I come from, a university is full of big kids who don’t get hurt by water. The sheer number of students who enjoy the fountains far outweighs the number of little visitors we have here.

Sure, we need to keep kids safe but fences are the extreme. Why don’t we just pad the sidewalks and make everyone walk around with head protection as well?

Vice President Burns said the University looked at all possible options.

Ken, come on. It took me three seconds to come up with two more thoughtful alternatives. A panel of "experts" couldn’t do the same? I’m just a college student and you all are a bunch of doctors. There’s something wrong here.

We can tone the water pressure down. There are a million engineers here, so lets go to Wal-Mart and buy a freakin’ wrench and let them fix it. Recently, I read that this has already been tried and it didn’t fix the danger. Well, this time, keep turning the wrench until the water pressure is safe enough. I’d rather have a fountain that only sprays 8 feet high than a 20-foot one that I can only enjoy through bars.

Or we could guard the first few feet of the Class of 1939 water sculpture with a stone cylinder so no one can walk right over it. We’ll still be able to cool down on a hot day from the falling water and the fountain run tradition will stay somewhat intact.

That wasn’t too hard now, was it?

The crazy thing is, our tuition is probably helping fund these fences. Paying for something we don’t want — if that isn’t the mother of all gyps!

That’s like me giving $20 to a seagull so it can fly over and poop on my head.

Listen everyone, there has to be a better way. I’ve learned that when there is a problem in life, compromise is key. Here there was none; the administration just told us what was going to happen.

Slow down! We should work towards a mutually enjoyable end.

And PSG, where are you? There are 37,000 students here that don’t want this! Surely there has to be a compromise all can agree with. Thus, I implore students to voice their disappointment and send thoughtful alternatives to Vice President Ken Burns, the leader behind this decision.

Let’s do whatever we can to keep Purdue from making a huge mistake. It will destroy a rich tradition and detract from the beauty this campus possesses.

Brian Dillon is a junior in the School of Technology. Feel free to email him your comments at dillonb@purdue.edu

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