Creative activities diminish boredom

After a four-year tenure at Purdue, I have come to one incontrovertible truth — there is absolutely nothing to do here. It's too hot to exercise, too expensive to go to Indy, I'm too old to go hang out at the shopping mall and I'm sick and tired of going to the freakin' movie theater.

The only things left to do, then, are watch TV and get drunk with your friends. After all, there's gotta be a "Simpson's" episode on SOMEWHERE, and as Benjamin Franklin said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

However, after a while these options begin to fall short as you get sick of the Food Network. And alcohol can have disastrous consequences, such as peeing in your friends' refrigerator and having run-ins with the law.

Perhaps, then, the great minds at Purdue purposefully limited the amount of things to do in West Lafayette so students could flex their creative muscles and come up with fun stuff to do on their own.

Now, the guideline for this thought process is that it must be legal. (Did you actually think my editor would allow me to advocate illegal activity in this column?) So, after some quiet meditation, this is what I came up with:

1. One-man stoplight fire drills. I've also heard these referred to as "Chinese fire drills" but for the purpose of this column they are called stoplight fire drills. This is where you get in a car, by yourself, and stop at a stoplight where someone is behind you (preferably someone you know). Quickly run out of the car, do one lap around it either waving your hands in the air screaming "We're all gonna die," or keep as straight a face as possible, like if this was as normal a thing to do as flagellating during a COM 114 speech. Then get back in your car before the light turns green and you've got it.

2. Elevator games. This usually works best when done with a buddy, or wingman if you will, because if you do it by yourself, you might really freak someone out. You get in the elevator at either the Math or Liberal Arts building and stand in the corners. When a lone student enters, you walk up to the kid and with a devil-looking face and in a deep, demonic voice say, "I must find a more suitable host body" or something to that effect. If more than one student comes in, you start talking to your friend about some weird disease you have contracted. For example, "So what did the Doctor say?"

"Well, it's definitely not terminal but I may be impotent for the rest of my life."

"Is it communicable?"

"Yes, VERY!" And then start coughing really loudly.

3. Freestyle walking (as seen on Monty Pythons Flying Circus's Ministry of Silly Walks). If you happen to be one of the 0.04 percent of Purdue University that knows of the Ministry of Silly Walks, from now on read my columns with the voice of John Cleese in your head. For the rest of you, imagine I sound like Christopher Walken. Freestyle walking involves walking around campus in the most odd manner possible. Take really big strides, jump over every bench, skip every once in a while, etc. It involves a lot of creativity and certainly changes the humdrum pace of a campus walk.

4. Go look and marvel at the awesome beauty and wonder of the new Aquatic Center. And if you're so inclined, go for a swim; at least you could be rescued by an attractive life guard (I've seen 'em; they're hot!)

5. Go drive out to the country on a clear night. If you go on your own, it's a good way to relax and postulate on profound questions such as "why are we here?" and "what is that disk shaped object flying toward me?" And it's a pretty romantic thing to do for a date. Imagine, out there with your significant other, looking for falling stars, gazing at the moon. (Wait, that's no moon; it's a Space Station!)

6. Go to Wal-Mart with a buddy of yours and play the Romance Novel Game. You select a Romance novel with the most impressive picture on the front, flip the book over to the summary on the back and read it out loud with a low and brooding voice, using dramatic pauses and volume increases at key places. Here, practice. "Sarah, the buxom southern belle, suffered through 10 long years of yearning for the powerful embrace of Keith, her steely-eyed love. But ALAS! Kurt, the bronzed and manly cowhand from Texas is slowly breaking down her defenses with his sun-glazened body and lustful glances." The first person to crack up or smile loses. What fun.

7. Or you can simply write letters praising or condemning simple-minded columnists. Don't worry, we're thick skinned and arrogant enough that it won't bruise our inflated egos.

Well, the rest is up to you guys. These are just a few ideas I came up with; hopefully you can use these and other brilliant ideas of your own to fill your days with enjoyable things to do so that you won't go crazy (like me) here in the amber waves of grain.

John Wakefield is a senior in the School of Liberal Arts.

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