While waiting to turn 21, late bloomers suffer

Two months left before I graduate, and I'm just turning 21 today.

I know, I know. I'll say it for you; "It sucks to be me."

Many of you have two years to enjoy an unrestricted nightlife while at college. I'll have two months.

Wanna trade? Come on, I'll give you a dollar.

Speaking of dollars, if I had one for every time I heard the phrase, "Wow, you're so young," in the past week, I wouldn't be rich.

I'd just have 14 dollars.

I feel like some sideshow freak. If the circus was hiring, I'd actually have a job after graduation. Too bad they aren't.

With most of my friends having turned 21 months ago, I've waited so long, life has been like one perpetual trip to the BMV ever since. I've been holding number 6,228 and that damn "Now Serving" sign started at two.

Yup, I'll finally be that "21st birthday guy" at the bars tonight that has no clue what's going on. Considering my grandmother can out-drink me, it's going to be interesting. Yeah, and she's even 80 years old and a girl. I might need a couple shots of water to keep me going.

Thinking back to my childhood, I was the last kid on the block to get a Nintendo. I feel the same way now. Prior to today, I've been like a blind man in a strip club: I just wasn't having as much fun as everyone else.

The good thing is I've saved a lot of money by not going out. There's no cover charge for sitting on the couch all night.

Still, it would be awesome to be able to control the timing of this birthday. I would have even braved the utter torture of watching 24 straight hours of Bob Rohrman commercials for the chance to turn 21 a year earlier.

But no, my fate rested in the hands of my parents. I don't blame them for starting me in kindergarten a year early. They were young.

Besides, when your kid is six years old, you aren't necessarily concerned with when he can start drinking. If you are, then I hope you're saving money to bail him out of jail.

No, the simple fact is that mom wanted me out of the house as soon as state laws would permit. Yeah, I was one of those crazy "throw crap all over the place" kids. To try to keep me in line, she would punish me by outfitting me in cloth diapers instead of Huggies.

The rash still stands to this day. But that's for another column.

Well, when I have kids, I'm going to be "the cool dad."

As "the cool dad," I'll hold off a couple of years on starting them in school. Let them have a couple more years to mess up the house. No problem, that's what wives are for (I'm just kidding, no feminist hate mail please).

I figure if they start first grade when they're about 13 they'll be set.

Being the only kid in junior high that can buy beer, he'll have no problem finding friends.

One thing viewing the bars from the outside has given me is a couple questions I need answered before I get initiated. Here, help me out.

1) Why are they so damn crowded? I'll probably have to wait a half hour to get my other foot in the door. Good thing I don't have a big ass; at least I have a chance of making it to the bathroom. I drive by all the time and it looks like there's more free space in a Cary Quad dorm room. I guess the only good thing is if I ever just came from Taco Bell and had a lot of … you know, well, then no one would know who to blame. Cool.

2) So where's the non-smoking section? Oh, damn, there isn't one. Does everyone have to smoke a whole carton there? You walk out and the lovely smell stays with you. I normally like to wear a pair of pants a couple times before I wash them, but it's not possible after a night out. Hooray for cigarette smoke.

3) I hear drinks are expensive. Does it come in a souvenir glass or something? Are there free refills?

Four dollars for a drink, good lord. And that's just for the child's size. Do bars have alcoholic water instead? Just give me a cup, I'll get it myself.

I'm gonna need to get a fourth job and sell all my airline stock before I can even start buying women drinks. Until then I'll just get them water.

Aside from these inconveniences, I'm still excited. Don't think the above stuff is me whining, I just like using way too much sarcasm.

I might come back broke, smelling like crap, and lonely because no one wanted my water, but I've waited years for this. So it's worth it.

So if you're going out tonight, I might run into you. Literally. Just grab me before my head hits the floor.

I'll be the guy at the end of the bar doing shots with grandma and throwing crap all over the place.

'Til next week guys.

Brian Dillon is a senior in Purdue's Professional Pilot program. He probably won't be doing any piloting tomorrow. E-mail him at opinions@purdueexponent.org

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