The Purdue Exponent


11/27/01	5 day quick link 11/26 \| 11/20 \| 11/19 \| 11/16 \| 11/15

Santa’s powers can make ludicrous wish list reality

Dear Santa,

Yeah, I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written you a letter, and I know I made that crack about you coming a little early this year in an earlier column, but since I was subjected to "A Miracle on 34th Street" a few times over break (and it’s now OFFICIALLY the holiday season), I figure I owe you a little letter for all those years you came down my non-existent chimney, delivering presents. Besides, you make a living knowing what people want for Christmas, so who better to share my list with than you?

It may be a little tough to scrape up some of this stuff, I’ll admit, but I think it’ll be a good way to prove to the world you’re still on your toes. So, here’s my list.

A World Series Pennant over Wrigley

So I know you probably think I’m off my rocker, and I realize that it’s been quite some time since the Chicago Cubs have even BEEN to the World Series, but I think it could be done. All I’m asking is for a right-handed hitting left fielder and middle infielder that can hit for average. I know you might think the Cubbies are a long shot, but it has become apparent God hates them, so their only hope is you. Please help.

A winning lottery ticket

I’m not asking for the Powerball jackpot or anything here. I’ll take the "skimpy" $2.6 million Hoosier Lotto jackpot without another word. All I know is that with my tuition (read: highway robbery), I’ll probably have to have four jobs and sell crack on the side just to stay here. If I win the lottery, I could actually go to all those classes I’m working to pay for.

Abolish 7:30 a.m. classes

I just think that getting rid of classes in this time slot would just be a good thing to do. I would much rather have a 4:30 lecture than a 7:30. If nothing else, I know I’d be awake for my classes. If you don’t think you could get rid of the 7:30 a.m. lectures, then a really loud alarm clock (I’m talking rock-concert decibels, here) would suffice.

Resurrect John Lennon

C’mon Santa, even you’ll have to admit that popular music anymore is pretty lame. And only one man can save us from the endless monotony on the radio: the greatest songwriter ever, Mr. John Lennon. I’m not saying you need to physically resurrect him, but there has to be about three albums worth of never-heard material locked away in Abbey Road. Make some curious sound engineer "discover" said material and release it to the public.

Claire Forlani, of "Mallrats" and "Meet Joe Black"

I really don’t think I have to explain this one to you, do I Santa?

A good Disney movie this year

I’m talkin’ "Lion King" quality here (though to be fair, they did rip the story line straight from Shakespeare’s masterpiece, "Hamlet"). I wasn’t all that impressed with "Atlantis" this summer, so let the folks who own the "Happiest Place on Earth" know that they should live up to the expectations and make a decent film this year. Millions of little kids aren’t growing up with a decent childhood because they aren’t getting the same high-quality Disney movies we had as children. If it comes down to it, rob Bill Shakespeare again if you have to.

Decent grades

When I say decent, all I mean is that I want to be allowed back on campus second semester. I don’t think I’m asking for too much on this one (there might be just one professor you might have to rough up), and I swear I’ll never ask for this again. At least not until next year.

A good singing voice

You might laugh at this one Santa, but I would like it very much if I could sing in a respectable voice. When I sing now, it sounds like a rabid bunny rabbit being strangled with piano wire in a cave. So basically, I sound like Macy Gray, only deeper in tone. Any help you could give me in this area would be greatly appreciated, because it sucks not being able to sing "Happy Birthday" in any recognizable key at your friend’s birthday dinner.

Four extra hours in every day

This would even help you Santa! You could take a few extra milliseconds at every house and finish that last cookie. But seriously, it would be a great service to the world if there were just a few extra hours in every day. It would reduce stress levels a great deal. Another option is to decrease the work/school week from five days to four. Perennial three-day weekends sound good to me.

A live action, feature-length "Scooby Doo" Movie

Cast Rob Lowe as Shaggy, and throw in some wicked computer generated stuff so that Scooby looks like he’s talking (a la "Babe"), and I guarantee a truckload of money for some Hollywood exec. Plus, you’ve got the opportunity for product tie-ins and action figures. It can’t miss, Santa.

World peace

Yeah Santa, even I can be an idealistic shmuck.

So Santa, that’s my list. I know most of them might be a little hard to wrap up and shove under a Christmas tree, but if you can get reindeer to fly and make it to every child’s home in one night (which, if you STILL take into account time zones and non-believers, is a pretty hefty achievement), these shouldn’t be too far out of your reach.

Thanks Santa, and I’ll make sure Mom puts out the good cookies this year.

Matt Poston is a sophomore in the School of Management. He can be reached at opinions@purdueexponent.org.

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