Witchcraft conspiracy widens
>>Print ViewPublication Date: 06/01/2007
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Witches and wizards are plotting to take over the world.
Ever since the Salem Witch Trials, they have been lying low, practicing their tricks, wringing their bony hands and cackling in dark corners.
But they are now ready to show their wart-speckled faces.
In one month, witches and wizards will flock to bookstores and movie theaters to honor their leader, Harry Potter. While their summer gatherings should be peaceful enough, no one should be fooled into thinking we non-magic folk are safe.
Soon the wizarding community will direct its network of evildoers from a new, grand training ground in Orlando. That's right: Florida harbors sorcerers.
In 2009, "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" will open just blocks away from Disney World, a haven for thousands of children.
Clearly, the wizarding community is a clever lot.
Just as fanatics go into withdrawal and agonize over the fact that they will never again be able to stand in line for hours to get their hands on a crisp copy of a Potter tale, the wizard headquarters, strategically advertised as a "theme park," will open its doors.
Clever indeed.
Once enough children (and naive adults) are trained, cells hidden throughout America will awaken to destroy American values!
Only one solution exists. We must attack the sorcerers where they flourish. We must liberate England from the grasp of Dictator Rowling. Then we must battle all entities that harbor Rowling followers.
Yes, Florida must go.
There's no time to be sentimental. Besides, global warming will probably submerge the state soon enough – proof that God is not a Harry Potter fan.
Traci Gillig is a junior in the College of Liberal Arts. She may be reached at opinions@purdueexponent.org.