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03-02-2004	Previous edition: 03-01-2004

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William Hung mania sweeps the nation

I have a fever, and the only prescription is William Hung.

Get ready, America. Hung-mania is upon us.

This "American Idol" reject became a pop sensation two weeks ago when he appeared in an early-season segment on the show. Unfortunately, I am a part of the fraction of a percent of the United States that doesn’t watch the show that I think beats the 1969 Apollo moon landing for percentage of viewership.

Anyway, the segment followed Hung, a civil engineering major at UC Berkeley, and many other pop star hopefuls as they ran the emotional gamut of the "American Idol" tryout. From what the video-streams showed me on the Internet, Hung’s nervousness was apparent in his pre-tryout interview with the show’s host, Ryan Seacrest. But once in front of the "Idol" team of judges, who are more intimidating than a microphone-wielding Howard Dean, he mesmerized us with the voodoo that he does so well.

William Hung, your 15 minutes start now.

He captured America’s hearts with his unorthodox but touching rendition of Ricky Martin’s "She Bangs," but Simon, Paula and Randy thought otherwise and gave him the boot.

Listen up, America! Unlike Justin, Kelly, Ruben and Clay, this is one "American Idol" star you can rally around and not have to take a shower afterward from the dirty feeling. Hey, maybe his awkwardly gyrating hips, arm-waiving chest thrusts and butchering of a flash-in-the-pan pop star’s mega-hit weren’t good enough for those snotty brats on "American Idol," but he still merits more musical respect from me than Steve Perry of Journey. Then again, so do Enron executives.

After that fateful tryout, Hung’s celebrity status exploded into a whirlwind of interviews and appearances. In an interview in Star Magazine, the super-stud revealed that his mysterious and signature yellow backpack contains water, medicine and a cell phone. He also said his favorite hobbies include singing, computer games and ping-pong.

Along with being more god than man.

Hung’s performed at halftime of a UC Berkeley basketball game and on Ellen Degeneres’ daytime talk show. On Keith Olbermann’s show, "Countdown," Olbermann asked the Hung-intater why everyone loves him. Hung calmly and humbly replied, "People really respect my attitude and charisma."

Wow, I am so moving to the West Coast and voting for this man for California governor.

I’m going to be glued to next year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show watching for the main act of Hung and Jessica Simpson. At the climax of the show, Hung will unhook Simpson’s bra and pull it through her T-shirt (she’d never feel more beautiful).

Clive Davis, C.E.O. of Arista records and the man waiting for the "American Idol" winner with a fat contract, didn’t have the foresight to see talent like Hung’s when he was trying out, but the New York based Koch Entertainment did and signed him to a record deal worth $25,000.

But at least "American Idol" isn’t stupid enough to not jump on the Hung bandwagon (I like to refer to it as the Hungwagon) once it’s starting rolling.

Hung is going to be on "American Idol" tonight. Fox has been running promos in the past few days trumpeting "The return of William Hung." Again, I don’t watch the show, but I may have to make an exception for this momentous occasion. I won’t even blink (stare at my picture for a few seconds) when I tell you in all seriousness that we as a nation might look back on tonight with the same importance as the Beatles on "Ed Sullivan" in 1964. You will be witnessing American history.

Frank Sinatra, Wayne Newton, William Hung.

A Google search of William Hung produced an expected 696,000 hits. While visiting www.williamhung.net, his seductive powers overtook me for good, and I enlisted in Attila the Hung’s army.

I signed the petition to send him to Hollywood and make him a bigger star than he already is. It asked for my name, my e-mail address and a brief message to Hung. But don’t worry, sports fans, Hung won’t be disgusted with my letter to him. I did exactly what the site instructed me to do, which was "keep it classy, just like William himself." I was proudly No. 102, 948 and officially signed my name (read: Calvin Brotus).

The site even allows the ladies to send photos of themselves by e-mail as long as they’re clothed and will be posted if the girls are more than 18 years old. From the pictures I saw already posted, this lady-killer was pulling more tail than Aaron Carter at a seventh grade mixer.

I even ordered an official William Hung T-shirt (a steal at $8.50 plus shipping and handling). It was royal blue with his poetic first and last words on his "American Idol" segment to commemorate the day the revolution started, "I have no professional training. I already gave it my best. I have no regrets at all."

Amen, little buddy. Amen.

Evan Kelsay is a sophomore in the School of Management. He may be reached via e-mail at opinions@purdueexponent.org.

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