You’ve probably seen them at least once. Those vague, sporadic “we’re up to something” and “something big is coming” advertisements found throughout campus, plastered on the back of CityBuses and riddled throughout our newspaper.

Apparently, Purdue is “up to something,” as evidenced by their marketing gimmick; what that something is, we don’t know, nor will we know until Oct. 9. However, instead of waiting and writing an informed column on this enigmatic “something,” I’ve decided to take this burden of fabricated uncertainty upon my shoulders and – like any overpriced, palm-reading carny would do – divine its secrets with absolute inaccuracy.

Here they are, my seven predictions in a generic list format that so obviously imitates

1. Purdue is finally stocking two-ply toilet paper. No longer will Purdue’s rectums remain red with quivering anticipation, oppressed by the iron hand of cheap discount single-ply. Plush, double-quilted glory now awaits us in every bathroom stall on campus.

2. Purdue’s top scientists have discovered the secret to resurrecting the dead and will use this cutting-edge knowledge to briefly reanimate Neil Armstrong’s corpse for an ice cream social and a game of mahjong with Daniels and his Eli Lilly cronies.

3. The Purdue Athletics Director Morgan Burke has finally awoken from his three-year-long curare-induced slumber, and will now do his job by firing coach Darrell Hazell. I’m probably going to get a well-worded letter from Burke’s ilk at the athletics department for this, but honestly I couldn’t care less.

Hate mail, death threats and angry, senile grandmas on dialysis calling for my resignation are the usual fare. Plus, it’s not like I’m in the minority here. Purdue pays Hazell $2 million a year, and all we have to show for it are five total wins – none over Indiana – and national humiliation amongst football fans, our own included.

4. Purdue Pete, after nearly 60 years of secretly being a woman trapped in a man’s body, is now getting a sex-change operation. Along with his new body, he is also changing his name to Purdue Pamela.

In addition, Purdue Pamela has decided to trade in her large, cumbersome hammer for something more expressive of her new identity; a pomeranian show dog named after her secret love interest, Princess Mitch McBubbles.

5. The Purdue football team comes up with a plan to actually win a conference game, instead of stroking their fragile egos with another Sycamore blowout.

6. President Daniels reveals himself to be Howard Zinn. All along, the man we have come to know as Mitch Daniels has been nothing more than an elaborate ruse.

Indeed, Howard Zinn merely utilized the trappings of an over-privileged WASP (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) in order to usurp control of our state government and university. His mission: to disseminate his “terrible anti-American … anti-factual disinformation” on the United States, and finally accomplish his diabolical commie plot to “sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

7. Purdue, following Trump’s lead, is going to build a wall. Not just any wall, but a big-ass Berlin-sized wall to further isolate the campus from any meaningful local culture.

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